Run Away Reports: Seattle

The (not-so literary) quote of the day:
Any experiment of interest in life will be carried out at your own expense.
Earl of Rochester in The Libertine (played by Johnny Depp)

I can think of a few such experiments in my life.

I wore my (no longer very) new perfume, Libertine by Vivienne Westwood today (yes I am obsessed with the brand, shut up). Ryu likes the smell of it (well I think he likes all of my collected fragrances, and makes a point of it sampling them on himself). I think that years from now when he and I are something of the past, the scent will remind me of him, because like Vladimir Nabokov says, "Nothing revives the past so completely as a smell that was once associated with it."

I love involuntary memory, the main theme of Marcel Proust's life work, À la Recherche du Temps Perdu (In Search of Lost Time or, Remembrance of Things Past), of which I trudged through the first two volumes last fall. Involuntary memory is when you experience a memory without the conscious effort of remembering, at the encounter of something like a smell or taste which evokes the past. This sort of memory, like deja vu, is a quite rare, sudden strong feeling.

Which makes me think once again (since I know I have posted this here before) of Fernando Pessoa's quote, "To feel today what one felt yesterday isn't to feel - it's to remember what was felt yesterday, to be today's living corpse of what yesterday was lived and lost."

Why am I being so shallow and quoting other people tonight? No new ideas are coming to mind. Just that I hate/fear loss. And I also hate/fear attachment. A perfect paradox which leaves me often cold and distant in relationships. Ryu told me tonight, for the second time, that he loves me. And I, again, said nothing. No one has ever told me that before, and I think he might just mean it, in as far as his impassioned 21-year-old male mind can conceive it.

The days are very short now, and darkness falls quickly on this cloudy city. Wish I could quit school and do my own thing. It's alright though. Today I was sort of inspired by the author of one of my textbooks coming and speaking to our class, she is a professor here. If she could get through all those years of school at Duke and Yale, I can finish my degrees too. It rained so much today. I got home from piano practice hours ago and I still feel wet.

I have a long to-do list. I need to sort out my credit transfer from Waseda. I need to apply to the summer program at Damascus University. I need to talk to the honors advisers and the rich lady about getting the extra scholarship money they promised me to study abroad (I paid for France out of my own pocket, but this year I won't have all that extra income). Lastly, I have about a million pages to read and papers to write in the next 4 weeks. 

Instead of doing these important things, I just play piano like a child and write useless poetry and listen to stupid music and hang out with dumb Ryu. I guess I could start with doing my homework.

Today I met up with Musaad, my Saudi conversation partner and we talked for a long time about his sudden marriage and family problems in Arabic. I love speaking Arabic. I am better than I thought I was, I just haven't spoken it regularly for almost 3 years. Now that I am taking the class though, I feel more in Arabic mode, and the words roll off my tongue.

It was raining. I met up with Ryu and we went to play piano together. It was so wonderful, quite romantic, sitting at the piano together and practicing. He is way better than I am, but he patiently walked me through Ode to Joy today, it took me about 90 minutes to get both hands down. I am getting better at reading the music. The songs are really simple, but important things to learn right now are hand positions, timing, notes. I am just really anxious about getting passed the basics and playing my favorite songs. Ryu says I am a good student and it was sort of exciting to go home with my piano teacher for the night.

My friend Lisa emailed me today. She is studying in Lyon and just spent the weekend in Paris with a Japanese guy she met this summer when she was visiting me in Tokyo. Apparently they stayed in and had hot sex all weekend. She is totally dicknotised and I am happy for her.

Tomorrow's Monday... here we go again.

I really shouldn't be taking a break from paper-writing to post this (deadline is at midnight, 4 hours from now), but I need a rest from history.

My problem with professors isn't a problem at all, not in the usual sense of the word. I just am prone to falling a little in love with them, the way they speak, the idea of them. I enjoy being in class, listening to them, watching them, paying attention to their habits, cheesy senses of humor, and other personal characteristics. They are human beings after all, not an advanced species or anything, contrary to what I might like to believe.

I think they live/are lost in their minds most of the time, but like the rest of us, they wake up in the morning and have coffee, choose their clothes, and come to the university. I wonder what car they drive, how they feel about coming to school every single day, and how it feels to have been in classrooms for decades of their lives. I am usually quite fond of my professors, especially the older, male ones (but also the older females, not so much the middle-aged women, case by case though).

My comparative literature professor in Paris last year is one example, his lectures on literary theory and criticism were probably some of the best hours I spent in Paris. Other students found him to be wordy and boring, but they just didn't get it. His explanations really changed the way I view art and literature. His class turned me to study further in comparative literature, and I will be forever thankful for that (as I am considering graduate studies in comparative literature). Likewise, my linguistics professor last year was an awesome lady, and helped me to understand and fall further in love with language. She lectured about how to view words objectively and human expression comparatively.

To the point! I am sort of in love with my current International Studies professor. He looks like a stereotypical professor, wears glasses, suits, and sweater vests, lectures to large groups, has a slight accent, but speaks well and softly. I am reminded of him tonight because he is actually cited by the authors of my research sources! He has been doing this stuff for a long time.

I cut my long fingernails for piano practice today, my tutor was pleased. I have big hands, a wide handspan, and it's always been something of an insecurity. But now I can put my long fingers to use! *empowerment* I can spread my fingers across an entire octave comfortably. Today I finally got to practice scales and songs on a real piano... it was so wonderful!

My fingers hurt a bit right now but I wouldn't go home until I mastered Mary had a Little Lamb. It sounds so much better, richer, with two hands! I was so excited when I finally got the notes and hand positioning down. Then I kept practicing the C major scale with both hands, forward and backward, going up and back down the keys. It was a little tricky but now I feel like I have a little bit of muscle memory of a few simple things.

Now I really have to focus on my research paper...

P.S. I am ordering a book of Chopin sheet music, he is probably my favorite composer (that I am familiar with at least). I am still learning the basics, but having the book will be a reminder of goals to be met. And I need sheet music anyway, all I have right now is a print out of the first movement of Moonlight Sonata.

I witnessed an atrocity on the way to school today. I was feeling kind of weak, paranoid and vulnerable, kind of lost in thought (I usually feel this way the day after I cut sensitive areas), when I heard a loud group of crows ahead of me. I often hear crows on the way to school, there is a group of them around here, but today it was especially loud. I continued to walk toward school, and when I reached the crows, I saw a pigeon fall out of the sky and land on the grass beside me, injured and struggling, followed by the manic crows. They were all attacking the pigeon and grey feathers were everywhere. I stopped and watched for a while, but I couldn't really do much about it. I continued on my way after the pigeon died and other students noticed.

I suspected that I was anemic so I tested my skin with my mother's gold wedding band. The black lines that appeared were much more distinct than the lines I remember seeing when I was put on iron pills in high school. I am guessing that is a bad thing. Whatever, I am not taking iron again. I hardly ever have the opportunity to eat meat, it's not really part of my diet, I get my protein from eggs and seafood. Fuck iron.

I have my first piano lesson tomorrow, looking forward to playing some songs. The first draft of my research paper is due on Saturday, so I need to focus. I have been having trouble with that lately. Too much procrastination.

All those who have left,
have left,
white sun,
high at noon,
the bell rings,
warming my body,
my ashy skin,
and I'm not sure,
if we will meet again.

I am not sure if I should be proud, but I wish I didn't feel guilty. I ditched Tuesday, who has been wanting to see me for a few weeks. Problem is that Tuesday wants to meet on the early weekdays, when I have the most reading to do. I have made excuses the past couple weeks and this week Tuesday asked if we could spend the night together since there is a national holiday on Wednesday. I said that it would be perfect and got excited about the date, reassuring him that I would be able to make it, he hinted at big plans and inviting people.

That was Saturday morning. Saturday evening Ryu also asked me about the upcoming Tuesday. I told him I already had plans and that I couldn't see him. He accepted this without questioning further. But I really enjoyed being with him that night and realised that I would rather spend Tuesday with him.

What to do, what to do? One thing about me, I never ditch people; even if I am sick and sleepy, I never skip class. Even if it costs me something, I will be there if I promised you that I would be. I am offended when people are late, and I take pains not to be. So, I am not the type to switch plans like this. I struggled all day with the decision. But I called both parties in the evening after much mental struggle.

Ryu said that he had accepted that he would not see me on Tuesday, but now was so relieved. I felt like such a loser telling him that I wanted to see him and that I had changed plans. But it was the truth. I had to lie to Tuesday though.

Tuesday knows I am seeing someone else, I mentioned it on Saturday. I refused to give details about who it was. I don't think it matters to Tuesday, it just makes my excuses about school seem less credible.

I won't get into detail about the phone call, but there were lots of plans for us on Tuesday. Difficult arrangements were made, people were sent away, people were invited and dinner was arranged. All this preparation for me, I felt so selfish when I lied straight into the phone and said that I have too much work to do.

Ryu better be extremely worthwhile tonight.

P.S. I hung out with a bunch of CIA agents at the Deca Hotel (bad memories of that place!) last night, they were recruiting from my university. They invited Jackson school students for an analysis game, testing our analysing skills and showing us what it's like to work as an intelligence analyst. In the end, I decided it would be kind of boring and tough to be an analyst, but being a spy and getting the intelligence would be interesting. I am still considering applying to the CIA.

It is well into November now and the cold weather reflects the date on the calendar. Last week's strange sunshine and strong showers, loud thunder and bright lightening have left Seattle, replaced with biting cold I am all too familiar with.

Luckily I did not have to spend last night alone.

I was invited to a few parties, all of which were dismissed by Ryu when he came to my house. He wanted to stay in. I didn't resist. We drank a little wine, I, a single glass slowly, he, a bit more. We spoke quite a lot, mostly I asked about him. I like how he answers my questions without hiding anything, without faltering to think. I like how he speaks about his family, not detached but with an adult appreciation.

I asked him if he liked hot chocolate. He said yes. I made two cups of cocoa for us. I think he was pleased. He told me, No girl has ever made anything for me, only my mother and my sister. Who would have thought such a simple thing would make him smile?

His older, only sister is an opera singer, and he told me that he respects her because she works so hard to forward her dream. Needless to say, opera singing isn't exactly the easiest career path to follow, much less in Japan, of all places. He told me that she hardly goes out and he thinks she has never had a regular boyfriend.

I told him I will be sad when he returns to Kyoto. He sympathised and said that he wanted to bring me with him and keep me at his house. I joked about how his traditional grandmother would react to the new foreign addition to the family. He laughed and said that she wasn't so bad, his cousin recently married a foreigner after all.

He told me that he wants to visit me. He told me that he thinks it is good that I want to study so much, that I want to go to New York. He thinks I should do what I want to do. I told him that I don't want to be lonely any more. I don't want to be alone like his big sister.

He told me that I won't be lonely. I asked him why he thought so. He said, because I am changing.

I have so much to read and so little time... Books piling up for school and for my personal reading. I wish I could read faster.

I read a poem last night at Revolution Books, I really like being there. I love having a space downtown where I can escape the university environment I am beginning to hate. It's hard to imagine my goal of being in graduate school for several more years. I am very tired of the institution and the focus of it all, the goals of the university. I feel like it is turning most of the students into useless office workers that will be victim to the oppressive capitalist system. I want to escape it so badly, but each day it gets harder and harder to see beyond the dollar signs. A creative career is a terribly rare thing.

Sometimes I just want to shut myself up into my room and forget the rest of the world. Well, sometimes I do exactly that.

I promised I would spend next Tuesday night with someone who destroys me and drains me, so I am about to face a trying week. I am spending tonight with Ryu, looking forward to seeing him, but I have some things to do in the meantime. I am preparing myself, reading and getting ahead before Tuesday and the subsequent empty days it will cause.

Red lines, black lines
White drop back drop
Take a picture, this moment lasts forever.
In the security of night, I have nothing to fear,
Hold me close, my dear,
Your body allows me
To leave this city,
You aren’t really here.
Carefully you
Take everything I contain,
Swallowing,
I refrain from saying
No,
You aren’t allowed to do so.
Sorry I
never shut up.
19:06