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I really shouldn't be taking a break from paper-writing to post this (deadline is at midnight, 4 hours from now), but I need a rest from history.

My problem with professors isn't a problem at all, not in the usual sense of the word. I just am prone to falling a little in love with them, the way they speak, the idea of them. I enjoy being in class, listening to them, watching them, paying attention to their habits, cheesy senses of humor, and other personal characteristics. They are human beings after all, not an advanced species or anything, contrary to what I might like to believe.

I think they live/are lost in their minds most of the time, but like the rest of us, they wake up in the morning and have coffee, choose their clothes, and come to the university. I wonder what car they drive, how they feel about coming to school every single day, and how it feels to have been in classrooms for decades of their lives. I am usually quite fond of my professors, especially the older, male ones (but also the older females, not so much the middle-aged women, case by case though).

My comparative literature professor in Paris last year is one example, his lectures on literary theory and criticism were probably some of the best hours I spent in Paris. Other students found him to be wordy and boring, but they just didn't get it. His explanations really changed the way I view art and literature. His class turned me to study further in comparative literature, and I will be forever thankful for that (as I am considering graduate studies in comparative literature). Likewise, my linguistics professor last year was an awesome lady, and helped me to understand and fall further in love with language. She lectured about how to view words objectively and human expression comparatively.

To the point! I am sort of in love with my current International Studies professor. He looks like a stereotypical professor, wears glasses, suits, and sweater vests, lectures to large groups, has a slight accent, but speaks well and softly. I am reminded of him tonight because he is actually cited by the authors of my research sources! He has been doing this stuff for a long time.

I cut my long fingernails for piano practice today, my tutor was pleased. I have big hands, a wide handspan, and it's always been something of an insecurity. But now I can put my long fingers to use! *empowerment* I can spread my fingers across an entire octave comfortably. Today I finally got to practice scales and songs on a real piano... it was so wonderful!

My fingers hurt a bit right now but I wouldn't go home until I mastered Mary had a Little Lamb. It sounds so much better, richer, with two hands! I was so excited when I finally got the notes and hand positioning down. Then I kept practicing the C major scale with both hands, forward and backward, going up and back down the keys. It was a little tricky but now I feel like I have a little bit of muscle memory of a few simple things.

Now I really have to focus on my research paper...

P.S. I am ordering a book of Chopin sheet music, he is probably my favorite composer (that I am familiar with at least). I am still learning the basics, but having the book will be a reminder of goals to be met. And I need sheet music anyway, all I have right now is a print out of the first movement of Moonlight Sonata.

I witnessed an atrocity on the way to school today. I was feeling kind of weak, paranoid and vulnerable, kind of lost in thought (I usually feel this way the day after I cut sensitive areas), when I heard a loud group of crows ahead of me. I often hear crows on the way to school, there is a group of them around here, but today it was especially loud. I continued to walk toward school, and when I reached the crows, I saw a pigeon fall out of the sky and land on the grass beside me, injured and struggling, followed by the manic crows. They were all attacking the pigeon and grey feathers were everywhere. I stopped and watched for a while, but I couldn't really do much about it. I continued on my way after the pigeon died and other students noticed.

I suspected that I was anemic so I tested my skin with my mother's gold wedding band. The black lines that appeared were much more distinct than the lines I remember seeing when I was put on iron pills in high school. I am guessing that is a bad thing. Whatever, I am not taking iron again. I hardly ever have the opportunity to eat meat, it's not really part of my diet, I get my protein from eggs and seafood. Fuck iron.

I have my first piano lesson tomorrow, looking forward to playing some songs. The first draft of my research paper is due on Saturday, so I need to focus. I have been having trouble with that lately. Too much procrastination.

All those who have left,
have left,
white sun,
high at noon,
the bell rings,
warming my body,
my ashy skin,
and I'm not sure,
if we will meet again.

I am not sure if I should be proud, but I wish I didn't feel guilty. I ditched Tuesday, who has been wanting to see me for a few weeks. Problem is that Tuesday wants to meet on the early weekdays, when I have the most reading to do. I have made excuses the past couple weeks and this week Tuesday asked if we could spend the night together since there is a national holiday on Wednesday. I said that it would be perfect and got excited about the date, reassuring him that I would be able to make it, he hinted at big plans and inviting people.

That was Saturday morning. Saturday evening Ryu also asked me about the upcoming Tuesday. I told him I already had plans and that I couldn't see him. He accepted this without questioning further. But I really enjoyed being with him that night and realised that I would rather spend Tuesday with him.

What to do, what to do? One thing about me, I never ditch people; even if I am sick and sleepy, I never skip class. Even if it costs me something, I will be there if I promised you that I would be. I am offended when people are late, and I take pains not to be. So, I am not the type to switch plans like this. I struggled all day with the decision. But I called both parties in the evening after much mental struggle.

Ryu said that he had accepted that he would not see me on Tuesday, but now was so relieved. I felt like such a loser telling him that I wanted to see him and that I had changed plans. But it was the truth. I had to lie to Tuesday though.

Tuesday knows I am seeing someone else, I mentioned it on Saturday. I refused to give details about who it was. I don't think it matters to Tuesday, it just makes my excuses about school seem less credible.

I won't get into detail about the phone call, but there were lots of plans for us on Tuesday. Difficult arrangements were made, people were sent away, people were invited and dinner was arranged. All this preparation for me, I felt so selfish when I lied straight into the phone and said that I have too much work to do.

Ryu better be extremely worthwhile tonight.

P.S. I hung out with a bunch of CIA agents at the Deca Hotel (bad memories of that place!) last night, they were recruiting from my university. They invited Jackson school students for an analysis game, testing our analysing skills and showing us what it's like to work as an intelligence analyst. In the end, I decided it would be kind of boring and tough to be an analyst, but being a spy and getting the intelligence would be interesting. I am still considering applying to the CIA.

It is well into November now and the cold weather reflects the date on the calendar. Last week's strange sunshine and strong showers, loud thunder and bright lightening have left Seattle, replaced with biting cold I am all too familiar with.

Luckily I did not have to spend last night alone.

I was invited to a few parties, all of which were dismissed by Ryu when he came to my house. He wanted to stay in. I didn't resist. We drank a little wine, I, a single glass slowly, he, a bit more. We spoke quite a lot, mostly I asked about him. I like how he answers my questions without hiding anything, without faltering to think. I like how he speaks about his family, not detached but with an adult appreciation.

I asked him if he liked hot chocolate. He said yes. I made two cups of cocoa for us. I think he was pleased. He told me, No girl has ever made anything for me, only my mother and my sister. Who would have thought such a simple thing would make him smile?

His older, only sister is an opera singer, and he told me that he respects her because she works so hard to forward her dream. Needless to say, opera singing isn't exactly the easiest career path to follow, much less in Japan, of all places. He told me that she hardly goes out and he thinks she has never had a regular boyfriend.

I told him I will be sad when he returns to Kyoto. He sympathised and said that he wanted to bring me with him and keep me at his house. I joked about how his traditional grandmother would react to the new foreign addition to the family. He laughed and said that she wasn't so bad, his cousin recently married a foreigner after all.

He told me that he wants to visit me. He told me that he thinks it is good that I want to study so much, that I want to go to New York. He thinks I should do what I want to do. I told him that I don't want to be lonely any more. I don't want to be alone like his big sister.

He told me that I won't be lonely. I asked him why he thought so. He said, because I am changing.

I have so much to read and so little time... Books piling up for school and for my personal reading. I wish I could read faster.

I read a poem last night at Revolution Books, I really like being there. I love having a space downtown where I can escape the university environment I am beginning to hate. It's hard to imagine my goal of being in graduate school for several more years. I am very tired of the institution and the focus of it all, the goals of the university. I feel like it is turning most of the students into useless office workers that will be victim to the oppressive capitalist system. I want to escape it so badly, but each day it gets harder and harder to see beyond the dollar signs. A creative career is a terribly rare thing.

Sometimes I just want to shut myself up into my room and forget the rest of the world. Well, sometimes I do exactly that.

I promised I would spend next Tuesday night with someone who destroys me and drains me, so I am about to face a trying week. I am spending tonight with Ryu, looking forward to seeing him, but I have some things to do in the meantime. I am preparing myself, reading and getting ahead before Tuesday and the subsequent empty days it will cause.

Red lines, black lines
White drop back drop
Take a picture, this moment lasts forever.
In the security of night, I have nothing to fear,
Hold me close, my dear,
Your body allows me
To leave this city,
You aren’t really here.
Carefully you
Take everything I contain,
Swallowing,
I refrain from saying
No,
You aren’t allowed to do so.
Sorry I
never shut up.
19:06

It's the sixth week of the quarter, which means classes will become more demanding, work will start piling up, and I will have less time to do all my favorite things (i.e. sitting around reading websites/books without direct application to my studies).

Dug through the university library catalog for sources for my research paper this quarter, social reform and nationalism in the Ottoman empire. I found some good books!

Had the "what are your life plans" talk with Ryu. It's simple. In two years he will be working twelve hours a day for some Japanese company and I will be beginning my master's degree somewhere on the East coast (if not farther away). He didn't seem very excited to hear about my uncompromising ambitions. And I told him I will be too busy this week to spend much time with him.

Signing up for piano lessons. My goal is to be able to play the first movement of Moonlight Sonata by the end of the school year. I've (re)taught myself how to read music and some of the scales and chords.

Also planning to read a poem at the second Revolution Books open mic this Friday.

Back from the underworld.

Ryu came over around 19:00 and I did his makeup, painting a whiter face and eyeliner under his eyes to make him look like L. The makeup helped make a really good effect! I wore a black corset top that restricted my breathing and smushed my boobs together in a weird shape. I thought about being a school girl, but I wanted to be a little bit scarier, so I went with more black and chains. Ryu had no complaints. We took a few shots of vodka at a friend's house in the neighborhood with Kensuke and Tetsuya, then went to the party later at night.

I don't really like going to house parties (well, the few I have been to have been uninteresting) but I guess it has more to do with the people there rather than the setting and beer. Last night I went to the Halloween party of a bunch of (mostly Japanese and other Asian) International students. There were a lot of people I knew and many I didn't. When we showed up, the beer was gone so we were left with bottles of tequila, vodka, rum, and a bunch of mixers.

Of course we took more shots like the smart, efficient people we are... I lost count, all I know today is that it was too many.

The party was cool though, the house was packed, everyone was dressed up and beautiful. Lots of cute guys and girls. I didn't bring my camera, but Ryu did. I tried to play cupid for my friends Kensuke and Kei... they are perfect for each other I think, both 19 and petite and adorable. I pushed them into a bathroom together and I don't know how it went. At one point, people were cheering for Ryu and me to kiss and we did. All I remember is a million camera flashes going off (freakin' Japanese, always taking pictures) and then shouts of mo ikkai, チューして！kiss again~!!. Like I said, I haven't seen any of these pictures, I didn't have my camera!

I'm glad Ryu decided to leave when he did, it's always better to leave early. He told me let's go and his reason was simple, if we stay longer, we will drink more. So logical! Why don't I ever think of that? On the way out, in the front yard, I saw a group of guys smoking a bowl, and I took a couple hits, and even got a green hit! It was really good stuff, I forgot what he called it. The guy actually knows my friend Heather so I will keep in touch with him somehow. I walked home with Ryu, stoned and drunk and generally happy but tired of my high heels.

We saw lots of drunk students in costume on the way home. Ryu was commenting on how great Halloween was, he was surprised, he was taught it was a children's holiday. There was a cop standing at a frat house on my block who surprised me and made me paranoid, and I remembered that I was breaking the law. It is so ridiculous that I can't drink legally.

Anyway, I went home and Ryu kinda took care of me, I am grateful. He took all my clothes off very slowly and carefully, while I suffered in my super high, intoxicated body, he removed all my accessories, my socks, and folded everything away. I did nothing, just lay in bed. It felt nice.

Though it has been on the back-burner of my consciousness, I had not heard from the super competitive and bureaucratic International studies department about my application to the major. I applied a couple weeks ago, and I was kind of confident about getting in, but nothing was official.

I am pleased to report that I just received my acceptance email. Woo! Both of my majors are officially declared! yatta!

Date with Ryu tonight, he is so cute sometimes. More about him later, I have a comp lit midterm due in 55 minutes! I've titled it, "Sex, an Art of Tensions?" and it's an analysis of a sex scene in a comic we read for class.

---

So I'm at home, finished with the week. What do I do? It's always a rush to to finish. And afterward I still feel at edge. I still have a bunch of wine at my house from last weekend.... *pours a glass*

Ryu says he wants to meet later, around 7 for dinner. It's weird. I think going out in public with him will be strange. I will have a few drinks before I see him, otherwise, I won't be able to relax.

I had sex with him a few times, and I was totally sober. I'm preoccupied with the idea of it lately. Starting to feel perverse. No, I am not saying he was amazing, I'm saying that I am probably thinking about it a lot more than is normal. It is strange to be doing this with a student. He thinks I'm his girlfriend. No one has ever really called me that. Even Arihito last month in Tokyo, we saw each other pretty regularly but we were just friends. Even Yusuke... called me every day, but I was so busy and ignored him so much that I don't think even he could consider me a girlfriend.

Ryu on the other hand, is informing all his buddies back home that he has "made an American girlfriend."

Anyway, sex. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, it is still not as good as a dose of really good H. Or alternatively (if you aren't into the needles and illegal stuff) a bunch of oxies. Seems like nothing will ever be.

I like how the effect of drugs lingers, I like how it makes me feel, what it does to my mind and how it changes the world. I need nothing else when I'm high, just me, satisfied with myself for a while. Sex doesn't do that. I really gave it a chance! I "liberated" myself from a previously very negative attitude toward sex. No I don't think it's dirty, I think it can be very sensual and it makes you feel good for a little while, even a day or two after, you might be thinking about that person. But to be honest, it's not really satisfying on the same level that I feel after writing something I imagined during a high, or the feeling of my body when I take opiates.

I don't want to say that I've tried everything, but I feel like I have, different types of people, different scenes, I don't even want to describe all the different situations, but it's still not as good as sticking a pen into my hand til I bleed or getting high out my mind. Nothing compares to the calm that I feel the day after I cut myself or after getting high and writing all night.

Today is auspicious. It's very windy, and somehow warm.