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Drinking last night made me more depressed and put me in a bad mood.

I took ecstasy tonight and watched the fireworks at the space needle with Shu and friends. It is so strange to be out. Shu takes care of me though.

I have been staying with him. I do not want to say that he helps me, because I feel like nothing can, but being with him is better than being alone, I guess, I do not want to be alone. Thinking is making me crazy.

I bought some more ecstasy pills. Just in case I want them. I should stop though.

Swallow 01/01/10 04:14

I feel myself being swept up,

Weak,

I am carried against my will,

a wisp blown by the airs of lament,

falling down the stairs,

no progression,

Speak,

I scream,

into the floor,

sinking into harsh waters,

drifting farther than ever before

from the shore of hope,

Leak,

the ink of a heart

soaked in the poisonous sorrow.

Tomorrow,

I'm still caught in this world.

Tomorrow.

Back in Seattle.

I didn't want to wait for my return flight on Friday, so I took the bus back last night.

I'm off to get wasted.

My little brother is dead.

Car accident. He was alone.

I am going back to my hometown now.

The streets are really empty around here, everyone is gone. I want to practice piano but all the pianos we used to use are on campus and I can't access them now. My younger brother phoned me today to tell me how he and his buddy were in my old bedroom railing ecstasy off of my books. I asked which one, he said he was using Cold Mountain and his friend said he was using my copy of Catch-22. I told them not to, they're classics. They just laughed. They should see that I have hand mirrors in there too.

Lisa is in Amsterdam for the night then coming back to Seattle for a few days. Shu, that girly guy from Fukuoka wants to go raving. He used to go to parties with this little white girl named Sage, who turned out to be a psychopath (well, I guess that comes with being 16). Shu almost got in trouble for dating her (he's 24). Shu says that hanging out with me is 楽しい and is going to take me to the rave.

There's a big party tonight at Studio Seven then one on Saturday night too. We are going to both. Lisa will join us on Saturday. The watch Ryu gave me keeps stopping, out of power because I haven't been wearing it. 

I have no trouble being with Shu, I still sort of think of him as a female so there is minimal sexual tension.

I fully intend on taking E pills 'til I am rolling out of my mind, my tolerance is pretty low. Yeah, you don't need to tell me, I know I am being hypocritical since I was worried about my little brother taking E but I offer you my age-old excuse: other people abuse drugs and I just use them. I need the stimulation.

Slipping asleep I wonder,
Which is better,
The peace of solitude,
Or the peace of having another.
At this dark, silent hour,
I cower beneath the sheets,
Press indignantly into my pillow,
I know the answer.
I pull the cover closer
to warm
the chill in my shoulder.

03:55

I am sitting at home, empty house (everyone has left for the holidays). It's about eleven at night, and I am having the last of the instant miso soup that Ryu gave me. I just got off the phone with Haroon who's in California for winter break. He called me randomly to talk about some things. I've added him, along with my younger brother, to the group of people a couple years my junior who seem to feel comfortable talking to me about their personal lives. I was a little surprised to hear from him, but it made me glad.

My friend J stayed over for two nights, kind of pushing the boundaries of her welcome, asking me for cigarettes (it's not the money, I am not that stingy, it's that they are Japanese cigarettes I've been careful not to smoke them so quickly because I enjoy them more than the US Marlboro lights, plus, she doesn't even smoke) and other things. I consider myself a pretty good host, but to a point. It was nice to have my friends' company since Ryu left, but I need solitude now.

Ryu emailed me again which made glad. I told him before he left that I wanted him to email me as much as he could, about anything, the weather, simple things, just so that I could hear from him. He cut his hair today and says that he looks very different. I guess short hair is more desirable for job hunting.

While the email made me glad it also made me feel stupid for a minute. Has it come to this? From our passionate relationship to the simple exchange of emails, it feels like a big downgrade. I look at my countdown calendar and think how silly I am trying to have an overseas boyfriend. Is it dumb of me to want to visit someone on the other side of the planet who may or may not continue to feel the same? We pinky-promised (ゆびきり) not to forget how we felt about each other, and to stay faithful, but is it possible/logical to hang on? And even if my visit to Kyoto is really wonderful and we still love each other, what then, thereafter? I don't doubt his feelings, I just question the practicality.

I am just thinking as I type. I truly have hopes and I feel good about it.

I have nothing to do. I applied for another position (temporary cashier at the bookstore) and I hope to hear back soon. I don't have anything to do! No school, no job, no holidays to celebrate...

My friends have been really kind to me and spending time with me. I went out with Heather and Shu and some other Japanese people I don't know the night that Ryu left... We had some drinks but getting drunk sort of just made me more lonely than I was before. I don't see the point of drinking alone.

I read the card Ryu gave me after he left... made me really emotional... he wrote some kind things! He is home now and emailed me because I asked him to. Where to go now? I made a calendar to cross off the days until Spring break, 84 days to go!

My younger brother started taking ecstasy last week and called me to tell me all about it and how great it was. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit worried. It sort of hurts me, not because I think he is doing anything "wrong" but because I know he is taking drugs as an escape, as I did, and to know that my brother is going through the same pain that I did... I dunno it hurts. He has been taking a lot of it all week long. At least he is being honest with me about it. He wants to go raving with me... I haven't done that in a while...

It's so weird that my brothers and I are honest about things nowadays. I told them about Ryu and how I was going to visit him in the spring time. During Thanksgiving, my older brother sort of dissed Ryu and the idea of being in a relationship with a Japanese national, and it sort of brought me down and gave me doubts. On returning to Seattle and seeing Ryu though, those doubts disappeared. I talked to my brother again about the situation recently and he is much more supportive with the new information I provided. It was refreshing.

My friend J came over last night. We went out for sushi downtown and it was pretty good, I haven't had sushi in a while. We went for a coffee and took lots of photos downtown with the Christmas lights. She is in love with a guy in Germany she met in highschool when he was an exchange student, and they recently revealed their feelings... It's tougher for her though because she doesn't have the means of travel or confidence in the relationship to meet him. I can be thankful that I have both.

"When a person is lucky enough to live inside a story, to live inside an imaginary world, the pains of this world disappear. For as long as the story goes on, reality no longer exists."
Paul Auster

The reality is that I am alone, and the pain of that reality just hit me like a thousand needles piercing my stomach as I said goodbye. It is going to be a long winter.

Ryu came back from LA yesterday night and came straight to my house. It was sort of sweet, he hasn't seen his host family in days because he's been staying with me. Sounds like he had a good 24 hours in California, he mainly wanted to see a real NBA game, but I guess he did some sightseeing and shopping, apparently. He got me a new watch!

I lost the cute cheap beaded watch I bought in Ho Chi Minh City somehow at a party last weekend. So this was a perfectly timed gift! Unorthodox and square, it's automatic so no batteries or winding necessary, and I can see all the cool gears!

Before we slept last night, I told him nonchalantly about my sudden secret plans to visit Kyoto in the spring time to see the cherry blossoms, playing dumb. He was happy to hear it and says he will pick me up at the airport. Perfect!

Tomorrow is his last day. We'll get together after my final exam... which I need to study for right about... now!

I have one exam left! I finished my paper about Yukiko's Spinach this morning. I ended up writing about consumption of the female form rather than Japanese-gaijin romance. I've beaten that theme to death, haven't I?

I am looking at airplane tickets to Kansai for spring break. I've never been to Kyoto and seeing the beginnings of sakura blooming might be nice...

Some Literary Quotes:

Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company.
George Gordon Bryon, English Romantic poet

Heartsick, Heartbroken－ To know love is to know pain. What could be more common? Even so, each broken heart is so singular that with it we probe the divine.
Rumi, 13th Century Persian poet