The streets are really empty around here, everyone is gone. I want to practice piano but all the pianos we used to use are on campus and I can't access them now. My younger brother phoned me today to tell me how he and his buddy were in my old bedroom railing ecstasy off of my books. I asked which one, he said he was using Cold Mountain and his friend said he was using my copy of Catch-22. I told them not to, they're classics. They just laughed. They should see that I have hand mirrors in there too.
Lisa is in Amsterdam for the night then coming back to Seattle for a few days. Shu, that girly guy from Fukuoka wants to go raving. He used to go to parties with this little white girl named Sage, who turned out to be a psychopath (well, I guess that comes with being 16). Shu almost got in trouble for dating her (he's 24). Shu says that hanging out with me is 楽しい and is going to take me to the rave.
There's a big party tonight at Studio Seven then one on Saturday night too. We are going to both. Lisa will join us on Saturday. The watch Ryu gave me keeps stopping, out of power because I haven't been wearing it.
I have no trouble being with Shu, I still sort of think of him as a female so there is minimal sexual tension.
I fully intend on taking E pills 'til I am rolling out of my mind, my tolerance is pretty low. Yeah, you don't need to tell me, I know I am being hypocritical since I was worried about my little brother taking E but I offer you my age-old excuse: other people abuse drugs and I just use them. I need the stimulation.
Slipping asleep I wonder,
Which is better,
The peace of solitude,
Or the peace of having another.
At this dark, silent hour,
I cower beneath the sheets,
Press indignantly into my pillow,
I know the answer.
I pull the cover closer
to warm
the chill in my shoulder.
03:55
I am sitting at home, empty house (everyone has left for the holidays). It's about eleven at night, and I am having the last of the instant miso soup that Ryu gave me. I just got off the phone with Haroon who's in California for winter break. He called me randomly to talk about some things. I've added him, along with my younger brother, to the group of people a couple years my junior who seem to feel comfortable talking to me about their personal lives. I was a little surprised to hear from him, but it made me glad.
My friend J stayed over for two nights, kind of pushing the boundaries of her welcome, asking me for cigarettes (it's not the money, I am not that stingy, it's that they are Japanese cigarettes I've been careful not to smoke them so quickly because I enjoy them more than the US Marlboro lights, plus, she doesn't even smoke) and other things. I consider myself a pretty good host, but to a point. It was nice to have my friends' company since Ryu left, but I need solitude now.
Ryu emailed me again which made glad. I told him before he left that I wanted him to email me as much as he could, about anything, the weather, simple things, just so that I could hear from him. He cut his hair today and says that he looks very different. I guess short hair is more desirable for job hunting.
While the email made me glad it also made me feel stupid for a minute. Has it come to this? From our passionate relationship to the simple exchange of emails, it feels like a big downgrade. I look at my countdown calendar and think how silly I am trying to have an overseas boyfriend. Is it dumb of me to want to visit someone on the other side of the planet who may or may not continue to feel the same? We pinky-promised (ゆびきり) not to forget how we felt about each other, and to stay faithful, but is it possible/logical to hang on? And even if my visit to Kyoto is really wonderful and we still love each other, what then, thereafter? I don't doubt his feelings, I just question the practicality.
I am just thinking as I type. I truly have hopes and I feel good about it.
I have nothing to do. I applied for another position (temporary cashier at the bookstore) and I hope to hear back soon. I don't have anything to do! No school, no job, no holidays to celebrate...
My friends have been really kind to me and spending time with me. I went out with Heather and Shu and some other Japanese people I don't know the night that Ryu left... We had some drinks but getting drunk sort of just made me more lonely than I was before. I don't see the point of drinking alone.
I read the card Ryu gave me after he left... made me really emotional... he wrote some kind things! He is home now and emailed me because I asked him to. Where to go now? I made a calendar to cross off the days until Spring break, 84 days to go!
My younger brother started taking ecstasy last week and called me to tell me all about it and how great it was. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit worried. It sort of hurts me, not because I think he is doing anything "wrong" but because I know he is taking drugs as an escape, as I did, and to know that my brother is going through the same pain that I did... I dunno it hurts. He has been taking a lot of it all week long. At least he is being honest with me about it. He wants to go raving with me... I haven't done that in a while...
It's so weird that my brothers and I are honest about things nowadays. I told them about Ryu and how I was going to visit him in the spring time. During Thanksgiving, my older brother sort of dissed Ryu and the idea of being in a relationship with a Japanese national, and it sort of brought me down and gave me doubts. On returning to Seattle and seeing Ryu though, those doubts disappeared. I talked to my brother again about the situation recently and he is much more supportive with the new information I provided. It was refreshing.
My friend J came over last night. We went out for sushi downtown and it was pretty good, I haven't had sushi in a while. We went for a coffee and took lots of photos downtown with the Christmas lights. She is in love with a guy in Germany she met in highschool when he was an exchange student, and they recently revealed their feelings... It's tougher for her though because she doesn't have the means of travel or confidence in the relationship to meet him. I can be thankful that I have both.
"When a person is lucky enough to live inside a story, to live inside an imaginary world, the pains of this world disappear. For as long as the story goes on, reality no longer exists."
Paul Auster
The reality is that I am alone, and the pain of that reality just hit me like a thousand needles piercing my stomach as I said goodbye. It is going to be a long winter.
Ryu came back from LA yesterday night and came straight to my house. It was sort of sweet, he hasn't seen his host family in days because he's been staying with me. Sounds like he had a good 24 hours in California, he mainly wanted to see a real NBA game, but I guess he did some sightseeing and shopping, apparently. He got me a new watch!
I lost the cute cheap beaded watch I bought in Ho Chi Minh City somehow at a party last weekend. So this was a perfectly timed gift! Unorthodox and square, it's automatic so no batteries or winding necessary, and I can see all the cool gears!
Before we slept last night, I told him nonchalantly about my sudden secret plans to visit Kyoto in the spring time to see the cherry blossoms, playing dumb. He was happy to hear it and says he will pick me up at the airport. Perfect!
Tomorrow is his last day. We'll get together after my final exam... which I need to study for right about... now!
I have one exam left! I finished my paper about Yukiko's Spinach this morning. I ended up writing about consumption of the female form rather than Japanese-gaijin romance. I've beaten that theme to death, haven't I?
I am looking at airplane tickets to Kansai for spring break. I've never been to Kyoto and seeing the beginnings of sakura blooming might be nice...
Some Literary Quotes:
Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company.
George Gordon Bryon, English Romantic poet
Heartsick, Heartbroken－ To know love is to know pain. What could be more common? Even so, each broken heart is so singular that with it we probe the divine.
Rumi, 13th Century Persian poet
I celebrated Hanukkah with Haroon on Friday night and it was so fun and yummy! Turnout was huge at Hillel, I have never seen it so full. We lit the first candle on the menorah then it was dinner time. Well, actually first Haroon taught me how to say a prayer and wash my hands, and then I wasn't supposed to say anything until I tasted the (delicious) bread. It was a fun night and I ended up getting a little drunk and talking politics/religion with the students there. I find that the Jewish community is unmatched in the openness of discussion allowed within their walls, self-criticism of their community and laws is made and greeted with great discussion. I like it. No church or mosque has demonstrated that to me before.
After dinner Haroon came over and I was supposed to help him study but he kept on talking about his girl problems. He told me earlier this week that he had gone to the mental health counselors asking for help for something but he didn't tell me what it was. He finally spilled the beans tonight. He has been cutting himself. He showed me huge cuts all over his stomach, he did it with scissors. He had cut himself on his arms before and I noticed, asked him about it, and he lied. He told me that after my noticing, he started being more secretive. What am I supposed to say to him? I understand his feelings completely, he just needs love, he's away from home, alone, first year at university, and terribly needing of care and attention, more than I could ever provide (I'm a needy one too).
He wanted to spend the night but in the end he walked home. He told me thank you, though, because he thinks I have been helping him.
After the Arabic final yesterday morning, I took the bus downtown to meet Ryu at Westlake. He was with a couple Ritsumeikan students who had taken the toeic exam with him. They left after a while and Ryu and I went out soon after to the Bodies exhibit. It was so cool! Kind of creepy seeing preserved human bodies and muscle tissue, fetuses and fetal organs... but an overall educational experience. I felt lucky to have the opportunity to see everything inside of our bodies. Female reproductive organs are smaller than I previously imagined!
After the exhibit, we walked downtown for a while. It is quite festive nowadays with a Christmas tree and merry-go-round in the center of downtown. We wanted to go see some gingerbread houses at the Sheraton but the line was super long filled with moms and children, so we ditched it. Ryu asked me for ideas for souvenirs to take home to his family. I couldn't think of much besides candy canes (he has never heard of them/noticed them) and he thinks they're a good idea. We went back to my house.
We passed the afternoon with tea and talking. We lit the second candle on my take-home menorah from Hillel. There was another Hanukkah party that night and I mentioned going because I thought he would want to leave soon, he needed to get ready for his noon flight to LA. I told him I was feeling sad and futile because he was leaving next week, but I was happy he was with me. We had sex and afterward he asked me if I would, rather than go to the party, stay with him for dinner. I said of course. He told me I was very kind. I was surprised at his reaction, I told him I always want to be with him, it's no question. Before going out he asked if he could leave his bag at my house, which meant he would have to come back afterward. I was so pleased that he wanted to stay longer.
We went to dinner at this new curry place and inside I was surprised to see my Persian friend Maryam there. It was kind of funny because last year I would always tell her how I wanted a cool Japanese boyfriend with dyed hair and fashionable clothes. Now she saw me with Ryu, pretty normal Japanese guy. I told her about him earlier this quarter but now she had accidentally seen us. It was awkward/funny. The meal was really good and Ryu enjoyed it, I like it when people enjoy their food, especially guys. Reminds me of my brothers. Ryu is like them, happy to eat and always willing to finish my leftovers. It makes me smile because I really like eating too!
We went home with wine and drank to celebrate the end of his exams. He tried to explain to me what Rakugo (落語) was and showed a few videos of the entertainers who have gone through years of training. I couldn't really understand but it was interesting. He likes Japanese comedy and explained Manzai (漫才) to me a couple weeks ago. I wish one day I could appreciate these things! He told me about other Japanese entertainment, about geisha in his town and their closed little communities. He said even he doesn't know much about them, except one day he was walking in Kyoto when an apprentice geisha asked him for directions and how she spoke in a very special, complicated way. He said it was rare and that he would otherwise never be able to speak to a real maiko.
He thinks it's odd that Gackt is so famous in America since his music isn't the reason why he's famous in Japan, only his strange behavior brings him attention. Ryu does a hilarious impression of his singing and I can't stop laughing because I sort of worship Gackt and used to listen to him constantly when I was studying Japanese. He asked me to show him my favorite songs by different visual kei artists and was surprised at how I had memorised their strange songs. It's weird because for me Japanese is a foreign language and the foreignness of the words makes it more magical, but for him, it's his native language and much more literal.
I drank so much and my spirits were high forgetting that he was leaving. He went downstairs to use the bathroom and I changed into my nightclothes and curled up in a ball to ignore the intoxication. When he returned, he made me relax and started taking my clothes off, his body kept me warm, then warmer and warmer. He exhausts me. He said he could go home then or stay with me and leave early in the morning, I told him he could do as he liked, he said he wanted to stay with me, so that's what he did.
Pillow talk: He asked me if I wanted to get married. I asked him if he was asking me, and he said in general. I said I didn't know, I always say that I'll never get married and that it's a stupid idea because people always end up wanting something else, and if people get married they should stay together no matter what, no matter how much they fight, like my parents did, and I don't think there are very many people strong enough to do so. He agreed with me and told me about his parents fighting when he was a child and how his older sister would ask him which parent he would go with if they split up, he said his mother, and so his sister told him she would go with their father. He said the thought of his family splitting up made him sad and not seeing his sister and father again worried him. But he was glad that they stayed together.
He asked me if I wanted children and how many. I hesitated because it seems like people are a lot more interested in children than I am, I am so afraid of them and how to raise them, being such a child myself still, I think it's a strange thought. I told him about my fears and he said it was normal. I told him that I have millions of unanswerable questions about the terrible world and life and so how am I supposed to bring another person into the world who will want those questions answered? He understood my concerns. He told me that when he was a child and asked about what would happen after he died, he was told that he would turn into a star and believed it. Later he was told he would turn into the earth and he was satisfied with that answer too. He told me that you could tell children anything and they believe you, it wouldn't be a big deal.
I told him that I guess that people can still be happy in this horrible world and that I was happy with him. We are very different, only superficially, but those things are interesting and exciting differences. Inside we are all sort of the same. I told him not to judge me as I admitted something to him. He listened. I told him how I had the fleeting thought of the possibility of getting pregnant by him and therefore creating an undeniable connection between us, but how I didn't want a child I just wanted him to stay with me. I insisted to him that I didn't want a baby, just him, I was that desperate. I have so many future plans that I can neither be with him nor have his baby in order to keep him. It was quiet, he said, wakatta.
Muri, desho?
Muri jyanai, he told me.
He left in the morning to Los Angeles to watch a basketball game. He'll be back tomorrow.
Well, nearly... I still have exams but classes are finished. My International Studies course ended with my professor giving his final lecture, briefly reviewing the 600+ years of history we covered in class. His class is considered one of the most difficult in the department, and every IS major has to take it, so it was sort of heavenly to feel it come to a close. In the end, he urged us to ask more questions than we answer and he turned a little red and sniffled a bit while the entire lecture hall stared at him... it's the first time I've seen a professor cry in front of his students. There were no tears but I could tell he was a little emotional. Prof is probably the best lecturer I've had and I wish I could be like him someday.
Tonight I am going to Shabbat dinner with Haroon and a Jewish girl from my class. Hanukkah begins tomorrow so it's going to be a big party, I'm looking forward to it. Haroon wants me to help him study before the Arabic final tomorrow morning, I'm glad to do so (I should study too!). He has a learning disability but he is pretty determined to learn Arabic and has a really good accent.
Ryu is taking the Toeic exam tomorrow downtown and I will join him after my Arabic test. He leaves in exactly a week. We spent yesterday together and he says he wants to cook something for me.
I watched Hiroshima Mon Amour this afternoon, it was alright. I am going to try to make some connections between the film and the graphic novel Yukiko's Spinach for my Complit term paper.
Arihito emailed me last night. I was thinking about responding to his last email during my nightly shower but received a new message from him when I returned to my room. After further correspondence, he offered to donate money for me to fly west (to come to Japan). Interesting.
I wish to contend my feelings with a thousand slow words,
Penned with the utmost care and attend,
I wish to prolong them,
to fill all of space and time with remnants of you so they never end.
To pretend and to stall the end,
to make friends
with leisure and hours spend satisfied,
as you tend to every single one of my features.
I wish to exhaust you, to depend on your strength,
And I wish for you to expend all of your energy for me.
I intend to bend your reason,
And send for you to join me in insanity.
I wish to extend these nights as far and as wide as they can be,
To ascend every limit, but never allow them to reach the idea of dawn.
I wish to transcend death in a capsule filled with dreams and sweet nothings,
with the warm, wet drops of love and loving.
Will my feelings continue when you are no longer near?
When you are no longer here to savor every one of my tears
And to swallow every offending fear?
Since when do I have a nature?
Will I give you the world?
Is this a promise I need to make,
Or a promise I plan to break?
Breathe into my neck,
You press,
Your chest
Our skin
Connects
In unimaginable heat.
The warmth in my breast,
Is it special?
Or just like the rest?
Is ours
Just a moment in time
Or something
More
Sublime?
I freeze,
Fall to my knees,
Crack the ice in my bones,
Press the keys,
Broken, torn,
Beg please let me know,
All I hear
is the sound of the piano.
Uninterrupted,
It lingers in continuity.
22:00