87 posts tagged “drugs”

Back from the underworld.

Ryu came over around 19:00 and I did his makeup, painting a whiter face and eyeliner under his eyes to make him look like L. The makeup helped make a really good effect! I wore a black corset top that restricted my breathing and smushed my boobs together in a weird shape. I thought about being a school girl, but I wanted to be a little bit scarier, so I went with more black and chains. Ryu had no complaints. We took a few shots of vodka at a friend's house in the neighborhood with Kensuke and Tetsuya, then went to the party later at night.

I don't really like going to house parties (well, the few I have been to have been uninteresting) but I guess it has more to do with the people there rather than the setting and beer. Last night I went to the Halloween party of a bunch of (mostly Japanese and other Asian) International students. There were a lot of people I knew and many I didn't. When we showed up, the beer was gone so we were left with bottles of tequila, vodka, rum, and a bunch of mixers.

Of course we took more shots like the smart, efficient people we are... I lost count, all I know today is that it was too many.

The party was cool though, the house was packed, everyone was dressed up and beautiful. Lots of cute guys and girls. I didn't bring my camera, but Ryu did. I tried to play cupid for my friends Kensuke and Kei... they are perfect for each other I think, both 19 and petite and adorable. I pushed them into a bathroom together and I don't know how it went. At one point, people were cheering for Ryu and me to kiss and we did. All I remember is a million camera flashes going off (freakin' Japanese, always taking pictures) and then shouts of mo ikkai, チューして！kiss again~!!. Like I said, I haven't seen any of these pictures, I didn't have my camera!

I'm glad Ryu decided to leave when he did, it's always better to leave early. He told me let's go and his reason was simple, if we stay longer, we will drink more. So logical! Why don't I ever think of that? On the way out, in the front yard, I saw a group of guys smoking a bowl, and I took a couple hits, and even got a green hit! It was really good stuff, I forgot what he called it. The guy actually knows my friend Heather so I will keep in touch with him somehow. I walked home with Ryu, stoned and drunk and generally happy but tired of my high heels.

We saw lots of drunk students in costume on the way home. Ryu was commenting on how great Halloween was, he was surprised, he was taught it was a children's holiday. There was a cop standing at a frat house on my block who surprised me and made me paranoid, and I remembered that I was breaking the law. It is so ridiculous that I can't drink legally.

Anyway, I went home and Ryu kinda took care of me, I am grateful. He took all my clothes off very slowly and carefully, while I suffered in my super high, intoxicated body, he removed all my accessories, my socks, and folded everything away. I did nothing, just lay in bed. It felt nice.

Though it has been on the back-burner of my consciousness, I had not heard from the super competitive and bureaucratic International studies department about my application to the major. I applied a couple weeks ago, and I was kind of confident about getting in, but nothing was official.

I am pleased to report that I just received my acceptance email. Woo! Both of my majors are officially declared! yatta!

Date with Ryu tonight, he is so cute sometimes. More about him later, I have a comp lit midterm due in 55 minutes! I've titled it, "Sex, an Art of Tensions?" and it's an analysis of a sex scene in a comic we read for class.

---

So I'm at home, finished with the week. What do I do? It's always a rush to to finish. And afterward I still feel at edge. I still have a bunch of wine at my house from last weekend.... *pours a glass*

Ryu says he wants to meet later, around 7 for dinner. It's weird. I think going out in public with him will be strange. I will have a few drinks before I see him, otherwise, I won't be able to relax.

I had sex with him a few times, and I was totally sober. I'm preoccupied with the idea of it lately. Starting to feel perverse. No, I am not saying he was amazing, I'm saying that I am probably thinking about it a lot more than is normal. It is strange to be doing this with a student. He thinks I'm his girlfriend. No one has ever really called me that. Even Arihito last month in Tokyo, we saw each other pretty regularly but we were just friends. Even Yusuke... called me every day, but I was so busy and ignored him so much that I don't think even he could consider me a girlfriend.

Ryu on the other hand, is informing all his buddies back home that he has "made an American girlfriend."

Anyway, sex. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, it is still not as good as a dose of really good H. Or alternatively (if you aren't into the needles and illegal stuff) a bunch of oxies. Seems like nothing will ever be.

I like how the effect of drugs lingers, I like how it makes me feel, what it does to my mind and how it changes the world. I need nothing else when I'm high, just me, satisfied with myself for a while. Sex doesn't do that. I really gave it a chance! I "liberated" myself from a previously very negative attitude toward sex. No I don't think it's dirty, I think it can be very sensual and it makes you feel good for a little while, even a day or two after, you might be thinking about that person. But to be honest, it's not really satisfying on the same level that I feel after writing something I imagined during a high, or the feeling of my body when I take opiates.

I don't want to say that I've tried everything, but I feel like I have, different types of people, different scenes, I don't even want to describe all the different situations, but it's still not as good as sticking a pen into my hand til I bleed or getting high out my mind. Nothing compares to the calm that I feel the day after I cut myself or after getting high and writing all night.

Today is auspicious. It's very windy, and somehow warm.

October 21, 2009

I asked him if I could change my shirt, I didn’t want to wear the buttoned one any longer.

Yes, but do it here.

I was sitting in the dark, in the living room. He had a few lamps on, a tall white candle inside of thick glass was lit, and the curtains closed over the windows, tied together to prevent any vision in or out of the house. I always felt like we were at some sort of ceremony. Wine glasses waited to be filled on the coffee table, and he was looking for the bottle opener.  I took my softer shirt out of my bag and started to unbutton. At the cue of my silence he entered the room with the bottle in hand, Wait, I want to watch you.

I nearly changed my mind, but tried to ignore him. I pulled at the end of the sleeves and took the shirt off slowly, being watched, one sleeve at a time, off my shoulders, and folded it away. I slipped my arms into the second shirt and bent my head down, eyes closed, to put it through the neck opening, struggling with nervousness. He sat next to me and set the bottle down on the table.

I sat back and he pulled me closer, his hands around my waist. I resisted and when I tried to pull his hands off I felt them tighten around me, holding me in place. I stopped and glanced back at him, Let me pour the wine. He let go, with a look of reluctance on his face.

I poured his glass first then mine. I lifted my glass up and said cheers, but he just sat watching me. He didn’t lift his glass up but replied, Cheers, as if granting me permission. I took the first sip alone, eagerly.

“Still so dependent, aren’t you?” He said, “I can furnish your pathetic needs better if you ask.”

“I’m not desperate, I just haven’t had a drink in a long time. Can’t you just enjoy it with me without passing judgment and making commentary?”

“If I don’t, who will?”

I took another drink and refilled the glass. “It’s unnecessary. I am accountable for myself.”

“Are you saying you can get high on your own, or something? You have your means?” He laughed.

“No I don’t need to get high.”

“Good for you! I’m glad. Let me see your arms.”

I was holding the glass with my right hand and he reached for my left wrist. “Fuck off already. Let me be.” I brushed him away.

He stopped trying. He stood up and hit the side of my head with his palm as he walked to another room, leaving me alone with the wine. Don’t use that word around me. I filled my glass again, silent, suppressing the anger.

He came back with a hand mirror and produced a bag of cocaine from his pocket. He took a sip of his wine and opened the small bag, then looked toward me.

“Don’t act so disinterested.”

He made four lines with the powder then offered it to me, Ladies first.

I set my glass down and took the first line slowly, then half of the second. I handed him the mirror and took another drink of wine. He finished the rest of the powder himself then went to get a glass of water. When he returned he stood watching me.

“Haven’t you had enough to drink?”

“Can I finish the bottle?”

“You can have two more sips.”

I drank what remained in two big gulps.

“You think you’re smart don’t you? Clever girl, aren’t you?”

He approached me, Not such a smart move, he said. He pulled my hair, pulled it to the top of my head. Now, let me see your beautiful face. He continued to pull it and I tried to stay in place, I crushed my eyelids together. Tie it up, high up. In the middle of tying a pony-tail, he pushed me down into the couch, and then pulled my hair again, tying it very tight, my neck cracked.

He held my wrists together; I couldn’t move them at all. His other hand was in my shirt, pressing down on my stomach. He asked me how old I was.

I struggled. Twenty.

He was silent for a few seconds. I asked, how old are you?

I looked at his eyes, he was glaring, waiting, then I understood.

Fourteen, I whispered. I’m fourteen years old.

He stopped pressing, That’s what I thought. Don’t, don’t lie to me again.

He pulled my shirt off then held my wrists together again. He saw some scabs on my outer arms and stared disapprovingly. Is this what you were hiding? He kissed the cuts. You shouldn’t resist when I ask to see them, I’m trying to help you. Secrets aren’t healthy. We can’t keep secrets from each other, okay?

I nodded. He released my arms and kissed me. I kept my mouth closed. He insisted. He kissed my neck then started to bite me, it began to be painful, and the more I pulled away, the more it hurt. I relaxed. He stopped. He made me stand up.

I pressed the center of my body against his, and spoke into his neck, Please, I can’t stand it anymore, I want you, please. He humored me for a moment, laughed, breathed into my neck, then pushed me away, I fell to my knees.

I know what you are trying to do. You think I am some idiot you can manipulate? Do you see the situation you’re in? Don’t you understand that I can have you whenever I want?

October 24, 2009 19:07

Dialogue

My stomach is gasping for air, I feel the pills fry my insides, sizzling. My head is a bowling ball and I can hardly lift it up. My neck is ancient, cracking with the slightest movement. Shivers are constantly shaking my spine and I feel amazing. Methamphetamine rushes through my every vein.

I touch myself all over; my hair is silky smooth, my eyes wide open, I’m only aware of myself, my body, lost in ecstasy. Hot blood, my heart races. I’m freezing, and my face is...

Warm to the touch, oh god my skin is so soft, I said, like silk. And I need only me, only me, this body, only.

It’s the worst and best sensation. It’s like death, cold and void, I’m suddenly a skeleton. I press and feel every bone, every one. Snap me in half! Snap me out of it!

Oh but it’s wonderful isn’t it, I never want this to end, I’m shaking, I’m smiling.

I can hear my body beg, please, please, Stop!

But, Fuck……..

YOOOOOOOOUUUUU, release me!

Me, Me, Me.

It’s what

I

Want

to

do.

I want to do, I want to. Why can’t you let me do what I WANT?

Don’t you understand?

I feel so good. What’s the matter? You cannot understand this broken SOUL. You can’t let go. You stay closed, stay close, suffocating me. I hate you, I hate you. YES I AM TALKING TO YOU. There is NO COAL LEFT TO SELL. YOU COULD BE LEAVING THE REST.

Now, relax. We can be civil. RELAX. SHUT UP. Okay, I’m fine. Alright, we’re good, calm… down, down. I love you, you feel so good. Stay with me.

I will always be inside of you. I always want to be inside of you.

Did you lead me astray? You started a fire that still burns. Lay back, close your eyes, I peeked and saw only you. I don’t remember your face, finally becoming conscious of myself, in your embrace.

Your hands on my skin, I didn’t say a word, I stared silently, like a helpless baby bird. Mouth wide open, feed me your worms! Seal each lesson, no questions, I would lie here forever, my god! She was not unlike a constellation of stars, unreachable, twinkling so far, catching my eyes, I was hypnotised.

You created me, my name, I learned, you destroyed my identity, soaked in flames!

And where are you now?

What have we become?

What have I done?

Don’t forget, that snowy night. You walked into the house with your shoes on, open-toed and pointy heels. I lay in your room, which was loaded with your clothes, lining the walls, my soft nest. I lay in a daze, you entered without warning. Shocked, it was too late now. You scolded me, pulled my hair until I was sure it was going to break. You made me stand up, I went to vomit. You slapped me until tears were in my eyes. Then you surprised me with your intimacy.

Tracy!

You read in circles and walked in squares!

That dark winter night. We left any and all form.

At least you didn’t finish it, you said and joined me. The house was freezing after our shower, both goose-bumped, we lost all our power in smoke, our blood slowed. Weak, we lay together in the dark, your cold fingertips were ice to my heart, shocking, touching every warm part of my body.

02:01 October 12, 2009

I have been sleeping so much lately. It probably has to do with not having a computer and not even trying to get over my jet-lag.

I am extremely embarrassed that a guy I met at a rave last year is in my Arabic class. Well, I was rolling super hard that night and made out with him; he ended up driving me home, as I was high out of my mind. Nothing huge, but it bothers me because I am such a different character in class, he has seen too much of me.

He is a year younger than me, maybe 19 now, an honors student. I was staring at him last Friday in class thinking he was pretty good looking without realising who he was. Yesterday he came to class late and sat right beside me. I tried to read his name on his paper, and when I made it out, I immediately recognised him.

I asked him, Do I know you? And he said, Yeah, we were in a Comm class together two years ago and we met randomly at Bubble Bobble- I cut him off. Oh yes, I am so embarrassed! I remember you. Apparently he remembers me too.

He said he switched out of Chinese for Arabic, he needs to take a language class because he is considering Linguistics as a major. I told him that was wonderful, linguistics is great. I am going to have to see him every morning now.

I spoke to my younger brother for a while yesterday. I am trying to get him to quit smoking weed because it is making him depressed. I don't think I am very convincing though. Smoking weed leads to a dead-end, after a while, it isn't fun, and unless you start a whole new drug habit (another dead-end, cycle of addiction), then you are going to sink into an unhappy place. With winter approaching, I would hate to see my brother fall deep.

On the first day of school I became familiar with the Revolutionary Communist Party, I saw a friend from an old SIS course (school of international studies) having a discussion with the representatives advertising at our university. I went to greet my friend unaware of his current disposition.

I am left-leaning and interested in socialist economics (not so much communism, as a method of governing people, it is basically fascism to me, not based on individual freedom) so I humored them for a bit. I gave them my name and email address. That night I received a message from one of the girls asking me to join them for a meeting the next day, to discuss "communism, revolution, and changing the world." I was down.

After class on Thursday I ran into my microeconomics teacher from last spring quarter (a graduate school student). I used to always accuse him of being a dirty capitalist and we would argue all the time. I told him I was heading to a communist party meeting that afternoon and he said he wanted to come along. I said, Oh sure, I'd like to see you there, we are going to discuss economics.

We were the only two people in attendance. We watched a video (not very well-made) and then started a discussion, about capitalism, communism, revolution. A lot of questions were posed, I mostly listened and played both sides. It was raining when my teacher and I left the building. He told me he wanted to show me one thing before I went home. We went to Suzallo library and searched for a book. The Road to Serfdom. He wants me to read it, in order for me to understand the realities of communism and socialism.

So I am not ready to sign onto the communist party, but I am actively researching right now. Friday night, my younger brother came to visit me from his college town, Bellingham, a couple hours north of Seattle. He is always taller when I see him! He is driving a new car and looks great.

We drove into downtown Seattle and met up with my half-brother (who apparently has the "chronic hook-up"). Right around the corner from my half-brother's apartment was the Revolution bookstore! I had heard from the communist girl that there was going to be an open mic down there later this month, I was interested! I felt so lucky to be there. I signed up to read some poetry.

My brothers and I smoked some weed, legal stuff from the dispensary. We looked at old photographs of our father and the past, photos I have never seen before. Photos of my mother. It was a nice trip back in time. Before it got too late, my brother and I drove back north to his apartment. It is nice here!

I am still in Bellingham, spending time with my brother is such a pleasure! I am so proud of him and I love to talk with him... Oh he just woke up!

Yesterday I spent most of the day at the hotel, I could not walk very much and I really want my stitches to heal well. I went out briefly for a walk around the neighborhood and a massage... I came back and ate lunch.

People at the hotel started talking to me and I spent the day being talked at. I am getting really good at that. I think it is a really good practice of patience, to sit and listen to something useless.

At the end of the night, when one girl finally stopped her motor mouth and went to bed, I sat and listened to the guitar and drums playing at the bar here at the hotel. Other people were drinking alcohol but I sat with a can of soda. They did acoustic covers of rock songs and it was pretty good, I requested Nirvana and they played a couple songs for me. I was really happy...

After a while, a group of loud Irish guys began collecting near me and trying to talk to me. I really wanted to just relax but they kept on talking. They told me about trekking in the mountains and how manly their injuries were. They were drinking a lot and wanted me to drink. I accepted one cocktail from the Irish guy sitting next to me and drank it all up. They told me about how they had smoked opium in the mountains a few days ago and that if I hung out with them tonight (went out drinking) then I could smoke some too.

Well, that caught my interest. I figured I could handle waiting at bars for a couple hours if it meant getting high. My legs were in pain and I should not walk, but I joined them and went out to a bar named Heaven Beach. Inside, there were lots of Thai university students and some tourists as well, all drinking out of buckets and bottles. I did not order a drink and sat alone.

A band was playing!! They were very good, they also did covers of rock songs, but these four guys were awesome! I just sat and listened... watched their hands, sang along... I requested Nirvana again, I was ecstatic when they played Rape Me... then when they played Smells Like Teen Spirit, the crowd got way too excited and started jumping. I was afraid someone was going to jump on my legs or hurt me somehow as I sat idly.

A small Thai man, with long black hair, slim frame, and yellow John Lennon sunglasses appeared amongst the university students with whom I had been chatting. He held a small ukulele in his lap, he looked peculiar in the crowd. He asked me if I wanted to drink something, with a smile on his face. I told him no, and pointed at my bandages. He said that he wasn't drinking either. He asked if I was taking medicine for the cut, and I said yes, pain pills and antibiotics, but it still hurt a bit. He told me that I should not be suffering on holiday and invited me outside.

He rolled a joint and told me that the weed was quite good and that it was my lucky day. He had no idea how lucky I felt! He introduced himself as Domino and said he could tell I was not interested in drinking that night, but that some weed would do me good. I got pleasantly high and we chatted. He was really kind to me and he spoke English quite well. He told me he was a musician, he plays drums. He looked at my legs and told me that I should go to the hospital to change the bandages, I had not done so that day. I tried to resist but he insisted and said he would drive me, after we finished smoking. We laughed.

We got into his car, and old kinda beat up hatchback which housed his drum set in the backseat. We drove to a hospital where the nurses there denied me medical attention. I could not believe it! My legs were swollen and I could not walk, but they told me to leave! I was shocked. All I needed was some cleaning and new cotton.

Domino said not to worry and that there was another hospital only 50 meters away, so we got back in the car and went there. They did not give me any trouble and changed the bandages quickly. It was a little painful, but overall an interesting experience, being stoned at a Thai hospital, we two dodgy-looking people smelling of smoke showing up at 2 in the morning. At the end, I was sitting immobile, waiting in a wheelchair as Domino talked to the nurses in another room. I figured he was trying to pay for the bandages, but I did not really want him to.

He came back out and I asked him what was up, I wanted to pay. He told me it was complicated and that he would explain in the car. They rolled me out there and he started the engine. He said they wanted to change him 400 baht so he refused to pay, and gave them his ID card. He laughed. I said, What? You need your ID card. He said sarcastically, Oh yeah, I have nothing now! I don't have my ID card!! I'm a man with nothing. We laughed... He said that they charged a doctor fee for having a sleepy doctor enter the room, not say one word to me, and sign a paper. He said that they made me cry so he asked for a 100 baht discount.. I was laughing so hard. In the end, he left his ID card as some sort of collateral.

We drove to the Ping river and rolled another joint. It was a great high. We talked for a while about all sort of things, he allowed me to think for the first time of the day. I was glad about that. All day I had been hearing the travel dramas and stories of Western tourists, and finally I got to escape that discourse. He drove me home and I slept a pleasant sleep. 

Slept with Kazuo in Shibuya yesterday.

Had dinner and cocktails with Kazufumi tonight in Shibuya.

Getting fat due to endless alcohol and lack of sleep.

Worried, so worried about returning to a mundane life, no city lights, no ambulances nor police sirens. No bars and no love hotels, back to that misery. Back to studying and low-grade ecstasy. No salary, no Maruii, no taxis and no sushi. Fuck, only 3 weeks from now.

Thanks to mallocup for finding the video of the earthquake bit on TV I was a part of. They make me seem super silly in the video but oh well.

Didn't go to work tonight and hope that I get fired tomorrow. It is my last week in Japan... and I don't know if I can return next year. I need to prepare for my trip to Viet Nam.

I need to stop the spinning, I have had enough, something has got to give, I cannot go on living this way, my body has been suffering, my mind has had enough. God help me.

You told me,
I was such a good girl,
You'd make me hot chocolate.
I smiled and you closed the door behind you.
I put my underwear on and opened the sidetable drawer.
The bed was a mess.

I fixed the sheets and pillows.

You thought I was such a good girl!

I took the small box out from the drawer,
lit a candle and a cigarette.
Quickly cooked a hit.
It boiled a bit.
I was still mostly naked when I tied up my arm and
sqeezed,
needle between my teeth.

You walked through the door.

You thought I was such a good girl!

I saw the look in your eyes, catching me in the act.
I stared right back,
See what you've done to me?
I injected while you stood in the doorway,
the image of you
as I drifted away.

23:38 August 15, 2009 Tokyo