16 posts tagged “hajime”

Friday night at the club we had quite a few people come in, including one customer from my old club. He is the president of a guitar company, I remember singing rock songs with him last summer. He is a little shy but he likes to sing. He was surprised to see me and I told him I was going to see Buck-Tick live in a couple weeks (the concert is on the same day as the next club meeting, but I told the manager I have been waiting for this concert for months and I was not going to miss it for the world, he said if I get a douhan before the concert, I could skip the meeting).

The guitar customer told me that he is friends with Buck-Tick guitarist Imai Hisashi. I was shocked!! I love Imai!! I freaked out and told him to please let me meet him!! I want to meet him!! Imai is so awesome!! Customer told me to calm down and he would see what he could do. He stayed the whole night and I was getting kinda tired. I had to stay an hour overtime, until 2 AM.

After I finished work, I met up with WH and another girl from the club. We were going to hang out with some customers but then ditched them to dance. Well, I just watched. A skinny Japanese dude started talking to me, WH described him as having a lollipop head. Anyway, he was silly and would not leave me alone and tried to take me to a love hotel. Sigh... only loser guys like me!

When we left the bar and it was light out. We walked for a bit, Roppongi was busy!

And... I finally saw Hajime. I was shocked. I was sure he had left Roppongi after having been arrested, but he was there... I was taken aback and felt a little shaky. Weird, so weird...

Another person I randomly ran into today, well actually, he came to my house, is Leor the Israeli agent for the old place I used to rent down the street. He has a baby now! We went to the park and chatted... natsukashii!!

Well things with Akiyoshi have normalised... We were both feeling kind of awkward after my birthday party... but we talked. It was kind of funny because we were both trying to apologise, trying to take responsibility for what happened, but I guess it takes two to tango. I think I really like him.

In other news, I was chatting with Victoria who is still hostessing in Tokyo at a different club than the one we both worked at. I asked her if she ever sees Hajime around. I have been wanting to ask her but refraining at the same time, not wanting to hear about his wife or any other girls he might be dealing with.

She told me that she did see him recently after not seeing him for a long time. She said he looked really terrible and that they just exchanged a few words. Apparently he got arrested and went to jail for 4 months, had to pay 500,000 yen to get out. I assume it was because of drugs... or something. I am not sure whether to feel bad for him, happy in revenge, or relieved that I was not there to get arrested with him.

Funny how the world works. 78 days til I go back to Tokyo... not long. Talking with Victoria is nice, as we are revealing more and more secrets about last summer. I told her about my kleptomaniac tendencies and stealing from girls at the club, I told her about some people I slept with and she told me about some that she slept with. We hid some things!

I got my grades for winter quarter. I made the Dean's list for the third consecutive quarter! Very pleased with the results.

P.S. I have been reading this book, 90 Day Geisha by Chelsea Haywood, a former Greengrass hostess. She recently introduced two customers into the story, a doctor of gastroenterology and his friend, the police chief, both from Yokohama... I know them! The doctor Onaka I wrote about in this blog! They were customers at my club too, the two of them with their boring karaoke and the doctor's terrible tendency to play with hands and give big tips. I hated him, hated him so much. I even went to Greengrass once with them after work, so I am sure she is writing about the same two guys.

Absolutely hate the thought of him. The smell of his cologne, mixed with that hospital smell, makes me wanna vomit now just thinking about him. I had to stop reading the book last night when I realised it was him she was talking about. I hope I never see him in Tokyo again!

01:20
Here, my room is full of expensive things,
dresses, perfumes, coats, and rings.
But all the makeup in the world can't hide,
lonely sentiments trapped inside,
and the purses I own can't manage,
all this emotional baggage.

He was the first,
the first man who didn't judge me,
I suddenly felt free!
Oh, it was lovely,
those summer days in Roppongi,
caught in the bought-and-sold fantasy,
living so crazy,
what was I thinking?
Utter insanity,
we could never possibly be.
We joked about him coming with me,
he'd open a shop selling onigiri,
we'd live together, and I'd study.
How funny.

I don't even remember giving him my meishi,
but only two days later, he called me,
6 AM, after work, I was very sleepy,
(I remembered him being good looking,
so I met him in that early morning),
we bought cocaine and took a taxi,
to his home, he lived in the vicinity,
he tried his best, thought I was easy,
but when I refused, he didn't get angry,
he told me to stay and keep him company.
Patience was all it took for him to charm me.
 
We would walk together when it was sunny,
Aoyama, gaien higashi dori,
We drank acerola and milk tea,
bought fast food at the convini,
he took me to our district's matsuri,
drew me pictures and did origami.
He always said I was the junkie,
but it was a joke, smiling at me,
he knew what my response would be,
"watashi dake? anata mo, usotsuki."
All that mattered was having enough money
to buy a couple grams and some ecstasy,
he spent money so generously.

I was truly happy,
in that apartment so tiny,
just living simply,
with a man who didn't know my name.
02:08

Even though all the fun distractions have kept my mind off him lately, and even though Takahashi-san is much more formidable, I'm still in love with that loser Hajime. He even cut his hair short... I still want him. I want his understanding. We are the same, I know...... and I know he's still doing drugs... damn it.

I gotta get over it I know because I am leaving to France in two weeks (holy shit, time passes quickly).

I don't know what to do because I am totally not attracted to white meat anymore. The other night, Victoria and I were being hit on these two guys, quite attractive to the average girl, magazine-ad type guys, and I was not feeling it. The guy was totally into me, but I wasn't attracted to him at all. The other girls were dumbstruck as to why I didn't like him, but I just can't help my attractions. What will I do when I'm in oh-so European Paris? What will I do when I am surrounded by Caucasians again? I don't want to leave Japan! Seattle is even better than Paris because we have a lot of cute Japanese guys at my university, but Paris? I have no idea!

I am going shopping for winter clothes tomorrow in Shibuya with the girls. yey
It's gotten quite cool here in Tokyo. I wore a coat today. It's even colder in Paris, so I am investing in some sweaters and comfy winter/fall clothes tomorrow. I'm excited! Especially since I'm a little rich right now. ^_^

I have decided to get 浮舟 ukifune (floating boat, also name of a character from the Tale of Genji) tattooed instead of sensou (war). On the left side of my Rx tattoo. With a little bit of wind surrounding it. I think sensou is not something appropriate to get tattooed.

I dunno what the deal is with me and yakuza guys but...

I mentioned him before, twice, Ken. I haven't seen him in a while. Everyday I pass by the place where he usually hangs out and he's not there. Today I was following Victoria up the street when I see him. Looking all cool in his suit and shoes. He's even better looking than I remember. I love his eyes.

We were both shy... I asked him why he never calls me, and he asked me why I never call him. I said I was the girl, so he should be calling me, I would be waiting. He's so sweet. He's years younger than Hajime, but Hajime seems like such a child compared to Ken.

Victoria kept messaging me and told me she was going to watch a movie with a couple other girls from the club, she asked me if I wanted to come I said no, I was with this guy. I don't watch movies. At three o'clock Ken said he would go home. We both live in Nishi Azabu. Kind of funny that all the guys I have liked live so close to me. Takahashi-san lives near by too.

We decided to walk home together. BEST PART OF THE STORY! We walked past Hajime together...
wowowowowow.
Yeah I know it's immature, but I was a bit pleased. My legs were shaking the entire time we walked together because I knew Hajime would see us.

We talked about work... I told him about my stupid customers... today one of my customers came in really drunk and requested me... wanted to take me to a hotel... blah blah. Ken was amused by my stories.

Ken speaks differently than Hajime. He's a little bit more difficult to understand and uses more complex sentences. I understand him alright, but it's just different... I must have gotten used to Hajime's style. Anyway, it's a good thing I've increased my Japanese skills because of Hajime, otherwise I probably would not be able to communicate with Ken! haha

He asked me if it's true that I like him because some of the guys said that I did. I told him I liked him a little. >.< He makes me so shy moreso than I ever was with Hajime. Probably because we are both sober, not on drugs.

We are going out for dinner together... yey!

"Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is concern oneself with something other than life or death."
Jean Cocteau, French Writer

Well that is my literary quote of the day. It is something I can completely understand and believe to be true. You can replace opium with different kinds of drugs, and the words would still be true.

Past couple of days have not been so exciting. One of my other activities besides doing drugs is buying new clothes. I went to Shibuya yesterday because I wanted to get out of the house. I did a little bit of shopping at 109, my first time there. It was pretty cute, all sorts of fashions. I bought a nice black coat, a couple shirts, and a pair of pants. All black and gold.

I haven't gotten high in a few days and it makes me sad... I miss Hajime.......... and his drugs...........

Well I think the title says it all.

Hajime is in denial.
He says he wishes to quit taking drugs and I am an obstacle, obstructing that goal.
So be it.
Let's see how many days will pass until I catch him buying drugs again.

He's blaming his addictions on the outside. It's easy to pin your problems on others.

I don't mind though.
Life with Hajime was a dark fantasy inside the dream life I live in Tokyo anyway.
Unrealistic, I'm fully aware.

I know though I am not near ready giving up drugs.
I've realised lately that drugs and writing are the only things in life I actually enjoy.
I have no hobbies.
So it's no wonder I can only handle spending my time with people who do drugs, and the only men I succumb to are junkies.

It would be easier to be without him if I didn't live so close by and work at night as well.
Roppongi life.
I don't know how to escape it.
What can I do?
Tokyo is there to explore but I am stuck in this terrible area, spending my time living in the seediest, most un-Japanese area of Japan.

I could leave to the country-side at any moment if I wanted, but money keeps me here.
Whatever.
I learned a lot from him.

After my last entry I was a bit upset with Hajime. But now I understand what the problem was and it's okay.
We were under surveillance; we probably still are...

After my last entry I went to bed telling myself that I would not go to see him again, I won't call him or make any efforts to be with him. Forget about him. But Hajime called me at noon and told me that he was coming to my house... um okay.

He told me it's probably risky for me to come to his house, so he came here. We talked for a while, and I gave him a little bit of LSD that I had, I took a paper as well. We walked to Aoyama, looked at the designer clothes we can't afford, and talked about the situation.

I admitted to him that the cops checked my bag when I was walking past his house. I didn't want to tell him because I was afraid that he would think I was too risky to hang out with. But at this point I didn't really care about whether or not he wanted to see me. He was not surprised. Hajime wants to visit America, and I told him if he wants to come to Seattle, that he could stay at my house in January.

Hajime is having a mid-life crisis I think... he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life and says if he goes to America, he would want a long stay. I told him that I was probably going to come back to Japan again next June, so he could stay at my house for the 6 months and then we could go back to Tokyo together. But for Hajime, he would be going back to his Roppongi life that never changes. No matter what, there is a class difference between us that can't be changed.

He bought me an ice cream and some simple things I need for school, notebooks etc., even though I try to pay all the time, then invited me to his house.

Acid wearing off, we looked at images. Hajime likes to draw when he's on drugs. I thought of the Jack and Rose analogy again. Hajime criticized me when I told him I felt like having sashimi... because he thinks I want to eat expensive food all the time, and that I expect that kind of life because my customers take me to nice places sometimes. It's not true! I love 105 yen convenience onigiri and milk tea! It is my most regular meal. I went to work...

Mama has these little talks with us sometimes before work, usually telling us that we need to work harder and call more customers and go on more douhan. Then there's always the special section at the end, the yelling at Anna grand finale, where she points out all the things that I do wrong and addresses all the girls about it, even though it only concerns me. I can understand her Japanese, but not all the girls can, so one of the bar guys does translation.

In the midst of her bitching at me, I had a cigarette hanging out of my mouth; uncouth, I know. When she started talking about how I prefer some customers over others, it just went too far because I thought of the fucking customers that I hate, so I lit my cigarette. At this Mama screamed at me to stop smoking. I put the cigarette down, but didn't put it out. Victoria smashed it up. I was fuming.

I got a 5000 yen tip, so after work I bought some of the legal liquid drugs. I drank some with Hajime and then I went back to my club and sang karaoke with Victoria. She and I are the only girls who are allowed to lock up after work because we're always there latest. At four we met up with Hajime, who had bought another bottle of the drugs. baka
I really like being together when I take those drugs, Hajime is always very nice to me... comforting...

*I added a bunch of photos! check them out!*

Today was the first day of Ramadan, and for the first time ever, I didn't even intend to fast. It wouldn't really count anyway, since I sleep until the afternoon. It makes me feel stupid, but shoganai.

Instead of fasting, I woke up at 4 PM and then fixed the internet connection at home. I went to work and got drunk off tequila. I left work and hung out with Victoria for a while. I really miss Hajime. I haven't spent time with him in days, and I feel lonely. I also haven't gotten high in a while either.

I don't know what the status is between us. I really miss him... I perhaps fell in love too quickly. I don't know what I did to make him turn so distant. Shoganai. You know there's not a perfect translation of I miss you in Japanese, so I can't even express that. I don't want to say that I want to see him; I don't want to tell him I am lonely... I just miss him!

I ran into this bar tender I know, from Peru, and he invited me for a few shots. I couldn't turn that down. I went to his bar and met this Italian guy who I tried to hustle for champagne. He told me he wasn't going to buy any; his credit card wasn't working. Whatever. Turns out he had just bought a 2 grams of coke. We went to the bathroom and railed a couple lines. He gave me the remaining part (pretty good amount) and I left.

I messaged Hajime and told him I scored a bag. Of course I wanted to share with him. But no, Hajime bought some of his own and went home. I went and railed the rest of the bag at bar sheesha and went home too. I don't want to carry drugs on me anymore.

I'm so upset. I miss him and I don't know what I can do besides wait for him to come around, if he ever does.

Yesterday was my day off. Hajime didn't call me in the morning or anything so I went to Asakusa with Victoria. I've never been there! It was cool. It's a good thing I didn't bring barely any money with me, so I couldn't buy all the cheap tourist shit.

Victoria and I went to Excelsior afterwards in Roppongi. I was a little down because I dunno what's going on between Hajime and I. Yeah Yeah. We were just chatting and shooting the breeze, talking about past loves, when Takahashi messaged me!!

I had totally given up on him! Mama always pressures me to call him and message him, so I was sure he was never going to contact me again because I've been so annoying. But of course, on Sunday he messages me, when he doesn't have to pay for my company. Fair enough. If it was anyone else, then I wouldn't talk to him, but Takahashi is just sexy and charming and miserable like me.

He asked how I was doing, and I told him I was broken hearted because of stupid men. He wanted to hear the story, he phoned me and we agreed to meet up. Victoria went home and Takahashi came and met me at Excelsior. Takahashi is so hotttttttt.

We chatted for a little while about Hajime. Takahashi was disappointed that I was giving my love to a street kid. He compared us to Jack and Rose in Titanic. Wow.

Takahashi took me to a really nice restaurant, as usual. We had some fancy tofu. I asked him, is that really tofu? And he laughed at me and said yes, but it's not exactly what I would see at the grocery store. I felt like such a loser poor girl. We had sake and sashimi and chicken and tamago and salad and then some shochu and grapefruit.

We talked about our miserable lives, criticizing each other.  Hajime rang me in the middle of our conversation. I didn't answer... Takahashi knew it was Hajime. He told me to pick up, I said no. When I didn't pick up, Hajime sent me a message, told me not to worry the phone call was nothing. That pissed me off. I showed Takahashi and then Takahashi messaged him asking what he means, all polite. And then Hajime messaged back, also in a very polite tone, saying that he called on mistake. That bastard! My day off and he "accidentally" phones me.

Anyway, I didn't worry. I went out with Takahashi and we walked. He told me not to fall for these crazy Roppongi boys. He used to be a host, he used to thrive on lying and manipulating women. Anyway... none of this sounded like the Hajime I know... he seems so honest and vulnerable to me.

Takahashi and I walked around for a little while after dinner. He wanted to walk me home, but I told him I wasn't going home... I knew I was going to go to Roppongi. I never sleep before the sun rises. He insisted for me to go home, but I wouldn't. So we turned around and walked toward Roppongi again, and parted ways.

I hung out in Roppongi for a while... Sundays are quite quiet but it was nice. I started walking home at about 3:30. I was passing by the Family Mart near the alife club in Nishi Azabu... when I see a police car parked on the street. The cops inside looked at me funny. At that moment, I knew I was going to be apprehended. A second cop car pulled up, and this time the two policemen inside got out and approached me. They asked me if I could speak Japanese, and I said yes. So we proceeded in Japanese, and I was being really cool and collected. I had nothing to hide... at the moment.

I didn't have anything on me, so I was completely calm. They asked me where I was going, where I came from, about my visa status, how long I have been in Japan, when I am leaving, what I am doing here, about my passport, and everything. They looked through my bag, looking for drugs obviously, but stupidly they didn't check my person, not even my pockets.

I don't have a gaijin card or anything, I wasn't carrying my passport. I never carry my passport, I think that's a stupid idea, since I spend most my time in Roppongi. They asked me about my passport, and I told them it was at home, and asked them if they wanted to see it. They said no, but I should always carry it with me. I asked them what the problem was, and they told me it was just a patrol.

They dug through my purse. When they saw my IDs they asked me if I was Muslim, I said yes. Then he said, oh Muslims don't do drugs do they? And I didn't reply, pretending not to understand. After that, they let me go. I told them I live in Nishi Azabu and I was almost home. Fucking cops.

I don't know whether it was just a random foreigner check or if they were looking specifically for me. I was right near the route I take to Hajime's house. I don't know... but I need to be extra careful now. I'm scared to leave my house! I am not going to carry any business cards or drugs anymore!